The Camino and Me

Category: Themes

• Meeting and Letting go

  Posted at 11:55 am by Mary Murphy, on April 17, 2013

  I was feeling pretty crap on day 15 – my throat hurt and I decided to end my day  before 9am after walking 10k.  I stopped for breakfast at a café and ordered an enormous chocolate croissant and I had two café con leche – there was no need to hurry.  By the time I had finished, the café had cleared and when I got outside, I saw Kathy just standing up from her table, she was alone, everyone from outside had left too.  As I passed her table I said to her ‘I don’t feel great today so I’ve decided to stay’ and she replied ‘So have I’, showing me her blistered feet.

  I had met Kathy briefly before and as waited for our accommodation to be ready we sat outside on a bench in the early morning being completely open our lives, our experience of the camino and how we were feeling.  I’m not sure I have ever made such an instant friend, I don’t think I have.  I felt we were really meant to meet and I was awestruck at how serendipitous our encounter was.  I was aware how easily I could have just walked by her saying ‘beun camino’.   After we checked in we went our separate ways for the day and I hoped we would meet again.

  It was in fact six days before we met again.  We stayed in the same albergue in Leon, a beautiful City.  I was outside sitting with some people when I spotted Kathy as she returned from hanging out her washing.  I was delighted and we headed off for a drink.  We spent the remainder of the day together and walked and talked for the next two days. I really felt this was an experience I was meant to have. I experienced Kathy as a real friend and particularly I felt she was bearing witness to my journey.  That is an incredibly powerful experience – Kathy held the space really naturally as we walked, consciously following the footsteps of others and I expressed the depth of my internal journey.  It is with the deepest gratitude that I recall this experience as I try to express it’s holiness – it was for me a most spiritual experience and perhaps the most spiritual phases of my whole camino.  And it is perhaps with hindsight that the significance of our meeting becomes clear.

  And then it was over, Kathy pushed on as she wanted to get to Santiago two days before my intended date.  I felt so sad when she left, I knew I would miss her but I really, really missed her.  That evening in Astorga I felt bereft,  in a daze, so sad and so lost.  Then the following day I honoured our encounter by carrying her in my heart as I walked and I reminded myself, ‘there is more’, there is always more.

  It seemed easier to live from the place of ‘there is always more’ whilst on the camino because in a way that feels a certainty.  Moving each day means that the comfort that is reached is internal and therefore there is less dependence on external familiarities and comforts.  With that an acceptance emerged within me that relationships can be intense, purposeful and transient.   And so it was easier to cherish the moments as people weaved in and out of my life.

  Then much to my surprise I met Kathy again five days later.  And whilst it was lovely to see her and catch up, I knew the moment we met that the purpose of our camino encounter had already been satisfied.  As Kathy would say ‘another etapa’.

  Love is accepting, love is flowing, love is allowing and love attracts more love.

  And so, there is always more.

  Posted in Themes | 2 Comments | Tagged acceptance, Camino, friendship, letting go, love, Santiago, witness

• Enjoying the mystery

  Posted at 7:17 pm by Mary Murphy, on March 15, 2013

  

  One of the things I love most about life is the never knowing how my day is going to unfold, that is perhaps the single most important lesson the camino has taught me….enjoy the unfolding of the mystery.  It was on the camino that I became most conscious of the newness of the experience of each day.  One in particular I will share, relates to a day of walking across the wilderness of the Meseta, the vast central plane which takes about a week to complete.  I was on my way out of the City of Sahagun at about 1pm having enjoyed lunch with two fellow pilgrims.  One of them was staying overnight in Sahagun and the other was going to catch a train to Leon which was two days walk away.  Rather than do the sensible thing, I decided to walk on another 14k to Calzadilla de los Hermanillos where there was only one albergue accommodating 22 people.  I knew it was a bit of a mad decision in the heat of the day when my feet were suffering with blisters and still it was what I wanted to do.  As I walked alone across the vastness of the Meseta and without any sense of progress I realised I could do this the easy way or the hard way.  I could resent the heat, the lack of shade and the lack of facilities.  I could worry about the possibility of not getting a bed because I would be arriving late or I could accept the conditions and enjoy the walk.  I remember deciding ‘it’s all ok’ and if it comes to it, sleeping under a bush wouldn’t be so bad.  I had enough food to survive and I could wear everything in my rucksack to keep me warm overnight.

  In any event, outdoor sleeping was unnecessary as I reached the albergue at 5.45pm, there was a place to sleep as well as a few people I knew already there.  In fact it turned out to be the place I most enjoyed.  The albergue felt really homely, the hospetarios were wonderful, the kitchen was well stocked, the dining room was a treat, they had books, lovely music playing and candles lighting. After the usual arrival routine I went out in search of the local shop which was in fact the front room of someone’s house.  I literally walked into the hallway of his house and then on the left was the shop.  It was absolutely adorable.

  It was like a treasure throve inside and he (the shopkeeper) kept me engaged by showing me everything he had for sale.  He kept pulling out additional boxes of pastries, fruit, meats and asking “you want?” It didn’t seem to matter much how I replied because he still had more to show me! He opened the fridge to reveal what was in there and it was packed to the rafters and then he pointed to the vino, ‘did I want some wine’? Moments like this are what make the camino so special.  He was a tiny man with a large zest for life, a wonderful warmth and the encounter with him made my 14k walk in the afternoon sun all worthwhile.

  Posted in Themes | 1 Comment | Tagged Camino, letting go, mystery

• Stepping into the Ring

  Posted at 2:53 pm by Mary Murphy, on February 8, 2013

  I’m departing today from the stories that come directly from the Camino as a more personally compelling one has emerged.

  Since my last post on risking vulnerability I have had something of a writers block as I lost all sense of why I am blogging at all.  I have learned that this….writing the story of my Camino…. is all about risking vulnerability as I still struggle to publicly acknowledge how important God is in my life.  This is my current lesson from the Camino of life, to let go of the fear that holds me back from declaring my commitment and deep love of God.

  My god is a god of love, of compassion, of forgiveness and of non judgement and this is the God that flows in me when I allow it…Sometimes, I question why I need to do this, why can’t I keep this to myself, do I really have to say these things, do I really have to reveal so much and make myself feel so vulnerable? And for some reason the answer is, yes I do.  I do it because I know it’s what I am meant to do. It’s the only way I will really have peace, I have to be willing to step into the ring and say this is who I am.  I do it because it breaks my heart not to and for me this is what it means to walk in the footsteps of Jesus.

  As I see it all life lessons are about surrendering to God’s guidance, that deep spiritual knowing that is within all of us.

  Posted in Themes | 6 Comments | Tagged Camino, God, letting go, spiritual love, surrender

• Risk and Vulnerability

  Posted at 8:54 pm by Mary Murphy, on January 21, 2013

  

  On the second night I stayed in Zubiri, a fairly grim experience.  The albergue was as much like a concentration camp as I ever wanted to experience. During the night I got up, to go outside to the toilet, which meant walking across the yard in the rain. I had heard the rain before I got out of bed but I hadn’t remembered that my walking shoes were outside! Thankfully some good Samaritan had moved indoor so they were only partly wet. In the morning I was up early and it was still dark as I packed and dressed without disturbing others too much. After breakfast when the light was just about up I set off to find the yellow arrow that would direct me back onto the Camino.

  During the day I stopped for coffee outside Pamploma where I sat with Christian, a young German, who was walking alone that day as his girlfriend had taken the bus due to an injury.  We were sitting out in a wide open square with lots of tables and chairs, and although it was midday the place was almost empty. Christian then sprang the big question on me, why I was doing the Camino. I took a moment to consider his question as my answer felt very personal to me and I felt emotional before I responded. I was wondered, ‘will I give the real answer or tone it down to something bland’?  I realised being truthful would expose my vulnerability and I didn’t know if I was ready for that. However as I began to find the words, the tears came and I knew I couldn’t deny the truth “I have come to meet and be alone with myself”, I said. My companion asked “is that not something you can do in day to day life, without coming on the Camino”? I replied “no, I don’t think it is, there are lots of distractions and I can’t do it to the extent that I wish to”. 

  It was strange and surprising to discover that even on the Camino it was difficult for me to reveal and acknowledge the truth of why I was there. Even on the Camino I was afraid of being judged. I had thought that it would have been easy to be truthful as I assumed that others would have similar reasons for being there. In fact, lots of people I met seemed unsure, some for the challenge (the walk), some for time out to contemplate, for others it was on their bucket list and one person I met told me he was there to give thanks to God. In this exchange with Christian I was beginning to come out of hiding about the importance of my inner relationship with God (true nature, higher power) in my life.

  My sense is that we were all searching for something – connection, meaning, purpose – whether we were conscious of it or not.

  Posted in Themes | 2 Comments | Tagged albergue, Camino, camino de santiago, Connection, consciousness, courage, letting go, meaning, Risk, searching, truth, vulnerability, Zubiri

• Giving In

  Posted at 4:19 pm by Mary Murphy, on January 14, 2013

  

  Over the next few days I crossed paths with different people as I began to find the rhythm of my Camino.  On the 4th morning I met Manoel and Sue  as we left the City of Pamploma.  I had met them a day or two before and this morning we walked together.  As the morning wore on I felt more and more exhausted and as they walked a little ahead of me I called to them and said “I’m going to have to give in”.  As soon as I said it I knew that “giving in” was about more than just taking a rest. I went to sit down and contemplated what else was meant by that statement.

  Well for a start I considered myself a good walker, not normally the one who is lagging behind.  Manoel is 20 years older than me and at this point he is walking better than I am.  Before this trip I had never considered the possibility that I would not walk every day, I never considered the possibility that I would not make each stage as laid out in John Brierley’s  guide book and I had not considered it remotely possible that I might not reach Santiago on or before my target date of 28^th September.

  But I was discovering that walking day after day was tiring and that my muscles and tendons became sore and tight. Apart from the physical weight I was also carrying some very heavy emotions with me too and they were often more difficult to carry than the rucksack. So I was now having to consider what doing the Camino actually means and whether I would consider myself to have completed the Camino even if I didn’t walk all the way to Santiago! And at the same time I wanted to do my Camino, my way.

  I was also conscious of all the other people I started out with and whether I was ahead of or behind them.  I had a growing sense that in order for me to do my Camino I was going to need to let go of notions of keeping up and preoccupations about where I was in relation to pilgrims who had begun the same day as me.  I may have to let others go ahead of me.   I also saw this as a metaphor for life and living and that I was being challenged to let go of deeper perceptions, notions and ideas that any other person could ever be behind me or ahead of me or that I am ahead of, beside or behind anyone else.  So the key challenge was to allow myself to walk my Camino at my pace and in my way as this mirrored  the challenges of my own life and living.

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  Posted in Themes | 8 Comments | Tagged Camino, giving in, letting go, Santiago de Compostela, surrender, Walking

• Clear Intention

  Posted at 3:28 pm by Mary Murphy, on January 9, 2013

  On the first night in St Jean Pied de Port I walked around the town to get a feel for it and to shop for provisions for my first day of walking beginning in the morning, the 27k trek across the Pyrenees to Roncesvalles. Then on my way back to the municipal albergue (pilgrim hostel) I noticed the church and I decided to enter. I sat down with my shopping bag beside me just absorbing the atmosphere. The church itself was small and was beautifully lit with candles. There were lots of people walking up and down, talking, taking pictures, lighting candles and saying prayers. After a while I felt quite moved and realised that I was going to make clear my camino intention here.

  I decided that I would walk up and light a candle as part of my intention ritual. There were, perhaps oddly, a lot of different types of candles to choose from and some of them were named ‘pilgrim candles’. However I found myself drawn not to the pilgrim candles but rather the long stemmed thin white candles and so I chose one of those. By now the whole experience felt very sacred and as I placed my candle I closed my eyes to find my true internal intention. I didn’t know what the answer was going to be, when I had thought about why I was doing the camino up to that point I might have said for stillness, connection, unity…but the word that arose loud and clear was ‘sincerity’. With tears flowing down my cheeks I promised that I would walk the camino with sincerity. With that any other concerns I felt were gone.

  The clarity and certainty of my intention towards the camino experience came back to me many times along the way. In times of doubt, confusion, disconnection, loneliness and struggle I reminded myself of my intention to be sincere and so I could feel more accepting of the emotions I really didn’t want to experience, they had their value and I needed to experience them too and it was sincere to do so.

  Posted in Themes | 0 Comments | Tagged camino de santiago, clarity, Intention

• Fear and Courage

  Posted at 2:27 pm by Mary Murphy, on December 18, 2012

  Spiritual Calling

  When I decided to walk the Camino de Santiago, I was aware that I wanted to immerse myself in a holding container long enough for me to find out what is calling me. I had the sense that I was meant to be doing something else with my life and that I was holding back on what God had given me. In any event I knew my soul wasn’t being fully satisfied; there was a longing I needed to address. I hoped and indeed I expected the Camino to help me find the truth of that longing.

  Letting go

  I realised before I left home that the Camino was about letting go and trusting I would be okay, although I couldn’t anticipate how the challenges would present themselves. But really the energy of the Camino started before I left Cork! The easy part was making the decision to go, a couple of months ahead of time it seemed no problem, I thought ‘I can’t wait’. However as the departure date got closer, I became more fearful, I was going to have to let go of whatever control I had in my life, my comfort, my livelihood, my emotional crutches and safety nets and surrender to the unfolding experience of Camino life.

  So to go at all I needed to let go of what was familiar and face the vulnerability that arose in the absence of the crutches and the safety nets. That took courage and more importantly it took a level of belief in the possibility and of my own potential and trust in the universe. To grow requires a will to do so, no one said this would be easy but then neither is it easy to live life in the shadows.

  Posted in Themes | 4 Comments | Tagged camino de santiago, control, courage, emotional crutches, familiar, holding back, immersion, Intention, letting go, longing, pilgrimage, potential, Soul, spiritual calling, surrender, trusting, truth, vulnerability

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