The Camino and Me

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The Camino and Me
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  • Monthly Archives: January 2013

    • Risk and Vulnerability

      Posted at 8:54 pm by Mary Murphy, on January 21, 2013
      Señal del Camino
      Señal del Camino (Photo credit: gabsiq)

      On the second night I stayed in Zubiri, a fairly grim experience.  The albergue was as much like a concentration camp as I ever wanted to experience. During the night I got up, to go outside to the toilet, which meant walking across the yard in the rain. I had heard the rain before I got out of bed but I hadn’t remembered that my walking shoes were outside! Thankfully some good Samaritan had moved indoor so they were only partly wet. In the morning I was up early and it was still dark as I packed and dressed without disturbing others too much. After breakfast when the light was just about up I set off to find the yellow arrow that would direct me back onto the Camino.

      During the day I stopped for coffee outside Pamploma where I sat with Christian, a young German, who was walking alone that day as his girlfriend had taken the bus due to an injury.  We were sitting out in a wide open square with lots of tables and chairs, and although it was midday the place was almost empty. Christian then sprang the big question on me, why I was doing the Camino. I took a moment to consider his question as my answer felt very personal to me and I felt emotional before I responded. I was wondered, ‘will I give the real answer or tone it down to something bland’?  I realised being truthful would expose my vulnerability and I didn’t know if I was ready for that. However as I began to find the words, the tears came and I knew I couldn’t deny the truth “I have come to meet and be alone with myself”, I said. My companion asked “is that not something you can do in day to day life, without coming on the Camino”? I replied “no, I don’t think it is, there are lots of distractions and I can’t do it to the extent that I wish to”. 

      It was strange and surprising to discover that even on the Camino it was difficult for me to reveal and acknowledge the truth of why I was there. Even on the Camino I was afraid of being judged. I had thought that it would have been easy to be truthful as I assumed that others would have similar reasons for being there. In fact, lots of people I met seemed unsure, some for the challenge (the walk), some for time out to contemplate, for others it was on their bucket list and one person I met told me he was there to give thanks to God. In this exchange with Christian I was beginning to come out of hiding about the importance of my inner relationship with God (true nature, higher power) in my life.

      My sense is that we were all searching for something – connection, meaning, purpose – whether we were conscious of it or not.

      Posted in Themes | 2 Comments | Tagged albergue, Camino, camino de santiago, Connection, consciousness, courage, letting go, meaning, Risk, searching, truth, vulnerability, Zubiri
    • Giving In

      Posted at 4:19 pm by Mary Murphy, on January 14, 2013
      English: camino de santiago
      English: camino de santiago (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

      Over the next few days I crossed paths with different people as I began to find the rhythm of my Camino.  On the 4th morning I met Manoel and Sue  as we left the City of Pamploma.  I had met them a day or two before and this morning we walked together.  As the morning wore on I felt more and more exhausted and as they walked a little ahead of me I called to them and said “I’m going to have to give in”.  As soon as I said it I knew that “giving in” was about more than just taking a rest. I went to sit down and contemplated what else was meant by that statement.

      Well for a start I considered myself a good walker, not normally the one who is lagging behind.  Manoel is 20 years older than me and at this point he is walking better than I am.  Before this trip I had never considered the possibility that I would not walk every day, I never considered the possibility that I would not make each stage as laid out in John Brierley’s  guide book and I had not considered it remotely possible that I might not reach Santiago on or before my target date of 28th September.

      But I was discovering that walking day after day was tiring and that my muscles and tendons became sore and tight. Apart from the physical weight I was also carrying some very heavy emotions with me too and they were often more difficult to carry than the rucksack. So I was now having to consider what doing the Camino actually means and whether I would consider myself to have completed the Camino even if I didn’t walk all the way to Santiago! And at the same time I wanted to do my Camino, my way.

      I was also conscious of all the other people I started out with and whether I was ahead of or behind them.  I had a growing sense that in order for me to do my Camino I was going to need to let go of notions of keeping up and preoccupations about where I was in relation to pilgrims who had begun the same day as me.  I may have to let others go ahead of me.   I also saw this as a metaphor for life and living and that I was being challenged to let go of deeper perceptions, notions and ideas that any other person could ever be behind me or ahead of me or that I am ahead of, beside or behind anyone else.  So the key challenge was to allow myself to walk my Camino at my pace and in my way as this mirrored  the challenges of my own life and living.

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      Posted in Themes | 8 Comments | Tagged Camino, giving in, letting go, Santiago de Compostela, surrender, Walking
    • Clear Intention

      Posted at 3:28 pm by Mary Murphy, on January 9, 2013

      On the first night in St Jean Pied de Port I walked around the town to get a feel for it and to shop for provisions for my first day of walking beginning in the morning, the 27k trek across the Pyrenees to Roncesvalles. Then on my way back to the municipal albergue (pilgrim hostel) I noticed the church and I decided to enter. I sat down with my shopping bag beside me just absorbing the atmosphere. The church itself was small and was beautifully lit with candles. There were lots of people walking up and down, talking, taking pictures, lighting candles and saying prayers. After a while I felt quite moved and realised that I was going to make clear my camino intention here.

      I decided that I would walk up and light a candle as part of my intention ritual. There were, perhaps oddly, a lot of different types of candles to choose from and some of them were named ‘pilgrim candles’. However I found myself drawn not to the pilgrim candles but rather the long stemmed thin white candles and so I chose one of those. By now the whole experience felt very sacred and as I placed my candle I closed my eyes to find my true internal intention. I didn’t know what the answer was going to be, when I had thought about why I was doing the camino up to that point I might have said for stillness, connection, unity…but the word that arose loud and clear was ‘sincerity’. With tears flowing down my cheeks I promised that I would walk the camino with sincerity. With that any other concerns I felt were gone.

      The clarity and certainty of my intention towards the camino experience came back to me many times along the way. In times of doubt, confusion, disconnection, loneliness and struggle I reminded myself of my intention to be sincere and so I could feel more accepting of the emotions I really didn’t want to experience, they had their value and I needed to experience them too and it was sincere to do so.

      Posted in Themes | 0 Comments | Tagged camino de santiago, clarity, Intention
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